A Question For The Marketing Team At 1-800-FLOWERS

Why do you people email me exclusively between the hours of two and three AM? I don’t get it. Of all the hours during the day that I am likely to buy flowers—and I should tell you, there are not many such hours—two AM is when I am the LEAST likely to take advantage of your discount offers on hand-arranged violets by the dozen. In fact, it serves only to weaken the reputation of your organization in my eyes, for that last fatigued email-check of the night is when I am hoping there will be some miraculous transmission from the programming department at PRI saying they want to syndicate the HECKFLAMES out of my radio show, or a drunken note from my varsity baseball coach apologizing for calling me a “band fag” all those years ago.

Instead, however, all that awaits me when I summon the day’s last gasp of energy to hopefully poke the email icon on my phone’s multi-touch display is YOUR stupid emails. I know these expectations are unrealistic, my marketing rep friends, but must you really remind me of this with your nightly petunia dispatches? Cease and desist, I beg of you. I would click the “Unsubscribe” link at the foot of the email, but my weary fingers scarcely have the will to complete this senten